Penitence
by amaltia
Summary: Parallel to No Regrets - Sanzo tries to come to terms with his guilt, but to do so must lose his pride. An insight in to a tortured soul. Dark fic. Rated R for theme, violence, etc. [Completed]
1. Introduction

** Warning: ** This story contains male/male relationships, mentioned semi-unconsensual sex in chapter one, and possible lemon scenes (maybe). Homophobes or little innocent kids or people who can't stomach this or think they might not be able to, please hit the BACK button, this is R-rated for a reason! Read at your own risk! Do not bug the author, for I have warned you! 

**Disclaimer: ** Saiyuki is (c)Kazuya Minekura, Enix Co., Tv Tokyo, etc. I do not claim to own any of these characters, though the views expressed within my story are my own. All original characters and ideas in this story are (c)kitsune-oni (userid:289468), and use of my stories and/or any original plots, themes or characters will not be tolerated. This disclaimer applies to the entire story, "Penitence". 

** A/N: **To the new faces - this is a parallel/sequel/whatever you call it of the story "No Regrets". While you may read this without reading the other, I suggest you read the other first. This story is told from Sanzo's point of view, of what happened to them while Goku was away. I'm going to try make them as close as possible (so chapter 1 of this is at the same time as chapter 1 of No Regrets)  
The introduction may seem strange, but I wrote it in this style intentionally. It's best read aloud. If not, just read the punctuation. When there is none, that means he is rushing through the words and saying them all together, get it? ^^This may seem a bit OOC for Sanzo, but you'll see his deteriorment later on.   
Just posting because it's my bday and I love you all and I want to show that yes I _am_ working. Dunno when I can next update, depends on Kaida.   
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** Introduction **   
~`~`~`~` 

In the small circle of pain within the skull  
You still shall tramp and tread one endless round  
Of thought, to justify your action to yourselves,  
Weaving a fiction which unravels as you weave,  
Pacing forever in the hell of make-believe  
Which never is belief: this is your fate on earth  
And we must think no further of you.  
-TS Eliot

~~~~~

I still can't believe what I did - the sins I committed. I can feel the guilt crawling through me, like wounds on my skin, visible to the whole world.

I can't believe I lost my self-control like that… there was too much pressure pushing down on me and I felt I'd never make it… I felt insecure, lost, alone. I felt powerless. I was pulled towards you against my will, logic just closed down and I wanted you, and I had to take you and, I had to use you, I had to I had to… it's all my fault.

I don't know how it happened, what hit me first, but suddenly I was split in two and that cold, sarcastic, separate side laughed at my mistakes and was always watching me, mocking me, always there to judge me control me drive me mad…

Watching you and how carefree you were would make me jealous. I was supposed to be your sun, your guiding light, and what was I doing, thinking? I couldn't stop the thoughts inside, I couldn't control them, and I wondered what you'd do if the sun set and left you in the dark… maybe then I wouldn't be alone because you'd be blind beside me, I wouldn't have to watch you flourish every day while I suffered. You'd loose that naïve innocence and put my heart at rest.

I couldn't trust myself anymore. I was sinking, succumbing to temptation, and I had to cling on to you for survival. I hated you for that. I always prided myself on being able to survive alone, yet I needed you to live, so I thought if I climbed up on to your back, made you sink instead of me, than maybe I'd survive, I'd live… but I was wrong because it just made things worse. I did everything completely wrong. I stood there all that time acting cold and distant, and than I came to your doorway and used you, used you when I cared for you. And you ran away. I was so sad I wanted to stay in my own wonderland after that, though they tried to drag me out of it - they didn't understand, they thought I was sad but I wasn't, I was GUILTY, I was ASHAMED, I was MAD, at me, of course, not at you. I had frightened you away, swallowed up in my own selfish thoughts. For this I could never forgive myself.

I longed to fall asleep and wake up and discover it was all a dream but I couldn't - I was still here, I was still dreaming, nothing had changed. I had to face the fact that I had used you, made you run away, distanced you, tortured you, hurt you…

And I never said sorry

And I never told you I loved you

and now it's too late


	2. Sin

** Warning: ** Same warning as before applies. Mentioned semi-nonconsensual sex in this chapter. 

** A/N: ** To those who didn't understand/read No Regrets, the intro describes Sanzo's feelings after the end of No Regrets - and now we jump back to that night... *cue for lighting and thunder*   
Anyway, thank you for the reviews! *hugs* This is exactly the same scene as chapter 1 of No Regrets - just from Sanzo's point of view! I'm really enjoying writing this... wish I had more time on my hands... *sighs* I've just realized that No Regrets reads more like a letter, while this seems to still be in confession form - I always end up reading it aloud... lol... ^^ Next chapter the division begins!! Wonder what's going to happen... *glances at Kaida* my damn muse won't tell me yet... *pouts*   
~~~~~

** Chapter 1 **   
~`~`~`~` 

I remember walking up to your room quietly, easing open the door to find you awake, sitting on your bed, blinking at me in surprise. The constant hum of the rain on the rooftop rankled my very being, and I stood there looking at you with mixed emotions for a few moments.

You smiled at me hopefully and I could see the innocent longing in your eyes for things to return to how they once had been. But I had changed, I could not let you any closer to my heart without suffering the consequences, so instead of smiling I smirked.

I had no idea at that moment what I would shortly be doing. I had just decided to come and smirk at your innocence, to make fun of you and then tell you off for waking me up. But when a startled look of sorrow crossed your face, an unexpected flush of pleasure filled my body, made me want to see you suffer some more. I forced a friendly smile and you grinned back. My heart almost wrenched at the sight. How naïve you were, how gullible! That was what had made you so tempting. Everything about you just screamed at me, made me seem dark and dull by comparison, and I wanted to destroy your youthful light so it would not blind my eyes any longer.

It was then that I decided to rape you. I walked languidly closer, body thrumming in anticipation, and drawled, "You know what, Goku?"

I noticed how you shivered when I said your name and it filled me with a strange sense of satisfaction. You shook your head at me, a trace of a smile upon your lips, and I was further filled with the urge to rip that expression off your face.

I lowered my voice even more and continued, "It has taken me all this time to realize that I love you."

You stiffened at the last three words, some innate sense sending a warning bell off in your head. You looked up at me, suspicion in your eyes, and I could tell you knew what I wanted, or at least thought you knew. But you were still hesitant, doubting the truth even though it was smack in front of you, unwilling to believe that I, your god, would do such a thing.

It irritated me that you looked up to me. Perhaps some of my qualities were admirable, but I loathed the way you listened to my every word, hung to my every breath. It was frustrating. It made me feel self-conscious. It made me feel that you were an annoying burden that would do foolish things such as risking your life for mine. That's why I prevented Rikudo from hurting you. I wanted to show you that I would do what I pleased, that I was no god, I was a mortal who could die and would die instead of depending on someone else. I could make you suffer. 

I shook the thought out of my head and launched myself at you, eager to taste your flesh, to nip and bite at your innocence until it crumbled beneath my caresses. I crushed my mouth against your inexperienced lips, tearing off clothes I had subconsciously studied carefully so that I could remove them without difficulty. I touched you with my dirty, sinful hands, tainting your virgin body and enjoying the sudden rush of power. You didn't move; you simply lay there calmly, eyes closed tight as if you were trying to block everything out.

By closing your eyes, you were pretending that I wasn't there. You were acting as if everything I was doing, the way I was nibbling at you, did not affect you at all. My whole purpose in coming would be defeated if I could not watch you suffer.

I remember glaring down at you and snarling, "Open your fucking eyes! I want to see your soul as it looses innocence."

You complied wearily, as if you would put up with me just this once, and I grew more violent until I was ramming in to you, never looking away from your golden orbs, waiting until you would glance up at me and - broken - reveal all your secrets. But nothing happened.

When I was done I stood up swiftly. You lay there, just looking at me, your eyes dull but not suffering, not screaming out in pain as I had wanted them to do.

For a moment, I stared down at you, not knowing what to say. I couldn't backtrack, I couldn't be friendly, and I definitely couldn't say sorry. That word was not in my vocabulary. I just hoped you'd ignore what I had done. Now I see how foolish that wish was - how could you ignore the fact that I had raped you? You hadn't resisted, but you hadn't agreed either. You had let me use you, and I felt worse than before because I felt dirty. Yes, _I_ felt dirty. I felt sin descend upon me like a thick, murky cloud and stick to my skin, and I hated you for making me feel that way when all I had searched for was solace, respite from that exact feeling.

My lip curled up automatically in to a sneer and I drawled, "I really needed some entertainment." Then I slung on my clothes and walked out of the room, but not before I saw your eyes flash in anger. And when I closed the door behind me, a shiver went down my spine when I realized I had lost you forever.

I went to my room and sat on the bed, staring out the window, thinking:

_What have I done?_

To Be Continued... 


	3. Waiting

** Warning: ** This _is_ an R-rated fic, you know. Nothing specific to be warned about in this chapter though.

** A/N**: Long time, I know. Thanks for reviews, [**NC, Genjo Sanzo1, gallatica**]! I'm glad you guys enjoyed the previous chapter... ^_^ and sorry for the delay, but I've been a bit overloaded with school work, and to make matters worse my muse doesn't want to concentrate on one fic. Grr...  
Oh, and I just have to post gallatica's review for the intro, because it amused me to no end! "heart-wrenching. really. wah! tho...this does sound like a Sanzo who is all bound in chains...(half naked)..suffering...eyesight blurring... (still half-naked)..tortured soul...*weeps* (sanzo still half-naked)"  
Exactly what I think at times ;) Angst! Sanzo is very very yummy... Ok, I'll stop before I freak you guys out any more... Let's get on to the next chapter!  
Beware of Sanzo torturing!! Bwahahahaha!!! XD   
  
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** Chapter 2 **   
~`~`~`~` 

As I stared out the window I wondered what you were doing. I remember I was so sure you'd go to Hakkai that I was clutching the sheets, starting at every sound and waiting for him to come and beat the shit out of me.

It still seemed surreal, though. My jeans were all sticky and I hadn't washed myself but somehow everything felt so distant, as if someone else had done it.

My door opened softly and Hakkai's face peeked in. I lay silently, waiting for him to begin, but he simply smiled and said in a polite, hushed tone, "I heard some noise. Is everything all right?"

For a moment, I contemplated telling him what I had done so that I could watch his face twist in horror and dismay. He was another of the idiots who believed I was good at heart. He was another idiot who could not see the fact that I was more of a demon than any of them.

But the words died in my throat and I rolled over on to my side with a "Ch'." Hakkai swiftly withdrew and returned to his room, and I was left alone once more. I was left waiting.

I lay there waiting for the shouts to begin, for the outraged cries to fill my room. Nothing happened. After that night, I hated waiting. I would rather rush headlong in to my fate then wait for it to come to me.

I did not sleep. I did not think. I did not replay the scene of what had happened over in my mind. I simply lay there the whole night, numb and not sure whether I really existed. My life seemed so distant, my memories lies. I could not trust anything other than the room I was in, the bed I was lying on. 

When the sun rose, I was still lying there. After a while I got up swiftly and headed downstairs, pulling out a newspaper. You were down moments later, and I glanced at you for a moment before reading once more, pretending nothing had happened. Gojyo immediately began to bicker with you, but I didn't really pay attention. For a second, when you began to order massive quantities of food, I thought you were alright and even managed a glare - then I heard your biting comment.

"You haven't paid me yet."

Those words degraded you more than me. They made you seem like a slut, some whore anyone could sleep with, but in the end I was the one that ended up getting hurt from such a short comment. It made me feel that it was I that had lowered your status so, made me feel even worse than you.

I gathered myself when you were done and managed to grumble, "Let's get going."

We jumped in to Jeep but you stood there just looking at us, wistful expression on your face, and I wondered what you were going to do.

"Bakazaru!" Gojyo's voice grated on my nerves. "Aren't you coming?"

"No." Your face was calm, your face expressionless. For a second I felt as if I was looking in to a mirror, and I suppressed a shudder. I feared that I had made a monster out of you.

I stared at you, waiting for you to say something more. Hakkai elbowed me slightly, and I growled, "Get in the car."

"What are you doing?"

Your eyes narrowed in determination. "I'm leaving."

You just walked away from us, turned your back on the last seven years of your life and left. It amused me endlessly that you, the one they had always called stupid, the one that was supposedly less intelligent, could have the courage to walk away so calmly. I could feel shock and confusion radiating from Hakkai and Gojyo and I smirked. Now they could finally see you were not what you pretended to be.

_Who's fake now, eh Goku?_

I almost smiled and called you back, but then I remembered last night, your scent clinging to me, how I had not slept, the glare you had directed at me this morning, the words that had made me feel worse than a prostitute… I would not allow myself to be bested, beaten by a monkey. So I said nothing.

If I would be able to repeat that day I'd do it all again, no matter how much I'd want to change things. It was your fault. You should have known that I would not have ever been able to call you back, admit what I had done.

I let you go.

"Damn monk, what are you doing? We have to go after him!" Gojyo turned to me furiously, but I simply curled my lip at him.

Hakkai spoke hesitantly, "Well, if he wants to leave…."

"Bullshit!" Gojyo snarled, "He wouldn't leave just like that for no reason! You! Sanzo! You know something, don't you?"

"Yes." I refused to look at him. "We're late. We were supposed to leave twenty minutes ago."

Hakkai calmed Gojyo down while I stared out at the road straight ahead of me. The path seemed never-ending, lonely and so long. It was as if I had made a decision I'd never be able to back out of, and had to follow till the very end. I caught Hakkai's attention, and muttered, "Let's go."

"But-"

"Maybe Goku just needs some time for himself." Hakkai forced a smile. "I'm sure he'll come back, one day."

"Alright…" Gojyo grumbled, "but I'm holding that corrupt monk responsible."

"Ch'. Go look for him yourself if you're so desperate for his company."

Nothing more was said in response, and Hakkai revved up Jeep. While we left I stared straight ahead of me, in to the horizon. I never once looked back at the forest you had disappeared in to. Maybe I was afraid of what I would see.

The rest of the day passed by in complete silence. I kept my gaze directed right in front of me. Gojyo stared up at the sky, occasionally glancing backwards. Hakkai just clenched the wheel tightly, his smile a little forced. We stopped by a cliff, parking Jeep and deciding that enough distance had been traveled, all without speaking.

Dinner was hurried and tense. Hakkai and I ate halfheartedly, barely tasting what passed our lips, while Gojyo wolfed down as much as he could, still appearing unsatisfied at the end of the meal. The atmosphere was so thick it could have been cut with a knife, and I could just feel that both my companions were waiting, so nervous that the slightest noise would make them jump to their feet. They were waiting for you to come out of the woods, a grin on your face. They were waiting for someone to say it was all a joke. But nothing happened, and we quickly returned to Jeep and sat there silently. I feigned sleep and thought of you, until the other two began to talk.

"Hey, Hakkai," Gojyo whispered.

The healer opened his eyes. "Yes?"

"You're sure he'll come back?"

Hakkai deliberated for a moment, then sighed. "I don't know."

I nearly snorted at that comment, but at least he was being truthful. I had almost expected a fake smile and equally fake response.

"If it's what Goku wants…" Hakkai's voice trailed off.

"Yeah, I guess."

"We'll just have to wait and see."

The two were silent, and then bid each other good night. Gojyo was asleep within moments, snoring softly. Hakkai did not make any noise, but I guessed he was still awake. In either case, he'd never bother me. I opened my eyes.

The moon shone like the sun, so bright in the dark sky, and I sat there watching it. You were somewhere out there, sneering at me and laughing now that I truly knew what it meant to be alone. Actually, no, you probably weren't sneering; that's something I might do. You probably pitied me… or hated me, cursing the ground I walked upon.

I hoped you would not pity me. I would not be able to tolerate that, to be pitied by the very person I had hurt, the very person that had caused me all this suffering. I would understand if you hated me - I had tried to take away the best of you, your innocence. If only you'd have stayed with me; better close and cold than far away, unreachable… or maybe it was better you had run away, because then I wouldn't have to face my guilt ever day, force myself to look in to your eyes, to look in to my sin. But without you here I wasn't able to pretend that things hadn't gone wrong. But why pretend? Why lie?

Only now I see my feelings for you, feelings I know I will never explain, never confess, ever. You would understand - it was just not part of me. I couldn't apologize either. It was too hard. But I wished I could have let you know that even if you hated me, I was always here for you. Always would be.

I let you go, and I was left waiting. 

To Be Continued... 


	4. Gone

** Warning: **Sanzo feels sick... poow baby... 

** A/N**: Sanzo finally truly realizes what he has done. Suffer without Goku, you blond tasty monk! XD To the readers: thanks for the reviews! And Genjo Sanzo1 - if you stop reviewing I will personally bash you. I love your reviews!! ^_^  
  
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** Chapter 3 **   
~`~`~`~` 

"It's missing."

"What is?"

"My monocle. The extra pair, the one that broke a while ago. It's gone."

"Just like a lock of my hair." Gojyo held up a piece of hair that was noticeably shorter than the rest.

The two sat there quietly for a while before Hakkai spoke up again, "He's not coming back."

I nearly snorted. It had taken them a while to finally admit you had left with no intentions of seeing us again. Seeing me, specifically.

It also amused me to notice nothing of mine was missing. Was I supposed to take that as an insult, a little way of telling me that you didn't ever want to remember me? But then, of course, I had left my mark on you, my personal claim of dominance; something you'd never forget.

I then realized what I'd been thinking and froze, shocked. How could I feel pleasure from thinking of the fact that I had raped you? Was I that sad? pathetic? lonely?

And yet I instinctively remember my lust, that mad happiness that had suffused me when I wounded you, dirtied your soul, your body. I had pulled you down in to the darkness next to me, in to my despair, and you had let me bring you down… for a while, at least. 

A little melodramatic, I know.

Even now I'm not completely sure why I did it. It was as if I had lost control of myself and I had to, had to rape you or die. I think I was scared of you. You were always so happy and innocent. You looked up to me like no one else had, ever. And I was scared you'd find out I wasn't as great or wonderful as I appeared to be. 

Dread became my constant stalker. I knew that one day you'd discover how I really was on the inside, how shallow, and when you would discover my true nature you'd scorn and hurt me.

So I decided to betray you before you could do anything. If fate had predetermined that you had to find out, I could at least control when and how. I needed to control some part of my life, control part of the nightmare I was sure would come sooner or later.

It took me ages to snap out of that bad dream, and by then it was too late. You were gone, and it was then that I realized you'd have never left me had I not hurt you. It was then that I realized you had loved me.

How long did it take me to understand how you felt about me? And what could I do, now that I knew I felt the same? What could I do, now that I had chased you away?

"Sanzo?"

I blinked and looked around. Hakkai was staring at me in consternation, and out of the corner of my eye I saw the distrust and anger on the kappa's face.

"Should we stop by a village tonight or continue on? There's a village several hours away from here."

"Go on," I grunted, mind turning inwards once more. I saw Hakkai and Gojyo exchange a glance, but I ignored them. They thought they knew so much, and yet they didn't know anything about you.

Where were you? What were you doing? Were you thinking of me?

I almost laughed at the last question. Did it make a difference whether you were thinking of me? Everything I used to be for you had fallen apart in front of you that night. If you were thinking of me, you'd be cursing me to the deepest pit of Hell, never to be reborn again. I could almost imagine you, with your single-minded determination, screaming at me as you swung Nyoibou down for one last stroke.

I loved you for that as well. The fact that you never let anyone mess around with you. How you would easily get rid of those who were obstacles, dedicating all your strength to that simple goal. That anger that brimmed through you when you saw your enemies, never replaced by fear or a wish to flee. You always stood and fought.

Except when it came to your friends. You could not hurt me, not yet, at least. Maybe when the shock passed… But I still admired how you had calmly walked away, turning your back on everything I represented, willing to leave rather than hurt me by telling the others what I had done.

I had slipped in to your room before we left the inn, and I saw what you had done. All evidence of what had happened had been erased, destroyed. Whether it was a last gift for me, or a way to salvage your pride, I do not know. 

Briefly, I thought back on how I had left you that night; naked, lying on a rumpled bed in a room that smelt of sex.

It was then that I suddenly felt violently sick over what I had done. I ordered Hakkai to stop and stumbled out of Jeep, a hand across my mouth.

"Sanzo?"

I ignored the worried healer and ran in to the forest, out of sight and sound, tasting bile in my mouth. I stopped and fell down on to my knees, bent over, vomiting. Shame and guilt filled me as I gagged repeatedly, stomach queasy.

When it was over, I wiped away the sweat on my forehead, feeling hot and flushed, and stood up slowly. My knees shook beneath me and I leaned against a tree for support.

Two days without you, and look what I had already become. 

To Be Continued... 


	5. False

  
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** Chapter 4 **   
~`~`~`~` 

By the third day we had fallen in to a sort of routine. We drove and drove, stopped for lunch, and continued driving.

It was too quiet in the car. The lack of constant moaning and whining, which normally grated at my nerves, left a sudden emptiness, a stillness in the atmosphere that served only to increase the tension.

Those two idiots were mad at me. They hated me, most probably. Well perhaps I'm over dramatizing. Gojyo never really liked me in the first place. And Hakkai… you never know with him.

Why do I call them idiots? Because they are. I could sense even though they were angry, that soon they'd forgive me, perhaps even turn their wrath to you. How amusingly simple-minded of them. Not that they knew any better.

Some demons attacked us shortly before we stopped for the night. Another useless horde of demons. We dispatched them easily. I wondered how you would have felt, knowing we could survive without you. I remember wondering if you could survive without _us_, without _me_…

I was all you had ever known. All you had had to cling on to. And now you had nothing. I wondered how it felt, to lose everything you had once owned. I, for one, didn't know. I had made sure from the beginning to have nothing to lose other than my own life. And I knew I would take my own life before I'd let someone else steal it from me.

But thinking back on it, I did know what it felt to lose what was precious to me. My master, the only man I will ever truly call Sanzo, the only one that ever deserved the title… And you.

So when the demons came, I threw myself recklessly in to fighting. Fighting helped to fill that empty void inside of me, helped me free myself of all my anger and hatred. I should have known not to depend on you to understand me; you _were_ a demon after all. What else could I have expected?

After that, Hakkai and Gojyo were even more worried about me than usual, though they tried hard not to show it. I wished that they would just piss off and leave me alone. I didn't need them; I didn't need anyone. I would have been able to complete the journey by myself, easily, without a bunch of useless idiots to drag around.

I had thought you were… beautiful. Even now I hesitate to give you that adjective, and yet handsome is just too rough for your looks. I can't believe how easily you tricked me in to believing you were exactly what you looked like; innocent, loyal, happy… Underneath, I had found a completely different person. That's why I forced you, to make the real you come out. To prove to myself that you were not what you appeared to be. 

I idly crushed the cigarette under my heels and nodded in satisfaction. That was why I had done it, not for that foolish reason I had spouted not so long ago. I hadn't been thinking before. I had actually thought that for a second, I had been in the wrong. But no, you were wrong. You were false. And you hadn't been able to fool me forever. 

To Be Continued... 


	6. Alone

  
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** Chapter 5 **   
~`~`~`~` 

A shiver ran down my spine as I lay sprawled on the bed, and I had to fight the sudden fear that ran through my body. It was the guilty stench of fear that covered me, and I wondered what had brought it about. Certainly not you…

I decided to ignore the temporary feeling and concentrated my efforts on mentally willing my companions to leave me alone. Couldn't they fucking get the fact that I did not want to be with them?

"Let's go out and eat something," Hakkai said, forcing a smile.

"You go," I grunted back shortly, my eyes open only a crack.

They glanced at each other uneasily for a moment. Hakkai licked his lips nervously.

Gojyo sighed. "I just can't believe he left us like that, without a word…"

I almost scowled at his words. It was back, that feeling. I opened my eyes and narrowed them at the idiotic redhead. "I told you not to talk about it."

Gojyo's savage reply shocked me. "You know something, don't you? You know why he's not here!"

_Why doesn't he leave me the fuck alone?!_ I thought angrily as I stood up, pulling out my Smith & Wesson. "Shut up."

"That's right, hide behind your gun." Gojyo sneered at me.

I wouldn't take this crap from a lesser being like him. I coldly raised my gun and wanted to kill him. But I couldn't; I would never have gotten away with it. So I tilted my gun at the last second and made the bullet whiz by him harmlessly.

We stared at each other for several moments, and I could see Gojyo was trying to stand straight. Never before had I aimed so close to his head, and I knew he knew it.

I turned my back pointedly on the two and stomped out of the room, banging the door behind me. But not before I felt another shiver, another whiff of your scent. 

I pondered waiting by the door to listen to what Hakkai and Gojyo would inevitably say about me, decided against it, and went downstairs to the bar. I picked the most shadowed corner and immediately waved the waitress over, ordering a beer.

A few minutes later Gojyo came down and was immediately pounced on by a prostitute. I sneered at him. He was so cheap, willing to sleep with anything that moved. Now you, you were priceless, virgin, clean, pure….

_What am I thinking?_ I scowled. You were a dirty, lying demon. You had only pretended to be innocent. Yes, that was right.

I waved the waitress over and growled, "Another beer." I sighed and closed my eyes.

I felt someone coming and opened my eyes in time to see what was probably one of Gojyo's female friends sit down across from me. "Now, now, don't you look down in the dumps! Suffering from a broken heart, dear?" 

My eyes widened slightly and I almost slapped the woman for her insolence, but then, regaining control of my senses, I simply frowned and said, "Get away before I kill you."

She took my rejection flippantly and even managed to wink before saying, "Fine. You know where to find me, when you come to your senses." 

I scowled in to my beer and finished it off, ordering another one. She had not been far off mark. Yes, my heart was broken because I had once trusted you, thought you to be what you pretended to be, and when I had found out you were really just a dirty demon…

I shook my head slightly to get rid of the thoughts pestering me and glanced over to see the barmaid approach Gojyo. A few seconds later, Gojyo stood up and followed her. I scowled. That demon never thought with his head.

I stood up and left the bar, heading outside. I sat down in a corner and tilted my head slightly to look at the evening sky. The stars were coming out. They comforted me, showed me that no matter how big life seemed here on earth, it really wasn't that important overall. That way, it didn't matter if I fucked up my life. 

The door of the inn swung open a few minutes later and, startled, I glanced over to see who had come out. Gojyo was standing right by the door, leaning against the wall with a tight smile on his face. He hadn't seen me.

I watched as he lit up a cigarette. Surprising that he hadn't taken longer with the barmaid. Maybe she had refused him? Well, it wasn't like it really mattered to me, anyway.

"That self confident, arrogant bastard…" Gojyo laughed emptily. 

I narrowed my eyes. Was that what he thought of me? He knew nothing about me, just pretended to. I thought over his words and then let a smirk slide over my face. Maybe they _were_ an accurate description.

"And all this time, I thought to myself that one day I'd start my own family and get it right… one day I'd find someone to love… one day…"

I blinked and wondered what Gojyo was talking about. But even though I was confused, his words echoed in my head. His goals made him seem more human somehow. I wondered what it was like to have such goals, to want such simple things. But what else was there to want in the world?

I knew he was foolish to dream, though. We were all born to die alone. 

To Be Continued... 


	7. Empty

I just noticed the name of this story is spelt wrong!!! Penitance, indeed. Huh. Why didn't you guys point it out? *growl* Anyway, thanks for the reviews.   
~~~~~

** Chapter 6 **   
~`~`~`~` 

It hurt without you. I felt so empty inside, as if I was on the verge of death. Or maybe I was already dead, and my body kept trudging onwards when all I wanted it to do was fall down and rest.

There was no time or space to do anything other than think of you. I would sit alone for hours and smoke, running through the past. They were worried about me. I didn't care at all. I wished they'd leave me alone to reminisce.

Thinking back, I realize how much they helped me. Without them, I probably would have stopped going on, stopped walking, just lain down and died. Me, give up? It seems unbelievable, but it's true.

That's when I decided to block off all my emotions. It was safer to do so. What had happened was in the past, and I could not let it ruin my life. All I had to do was forget, and then I'd be all right.

"Hakkai," I said, knowing the man was awake. "We'll leave within the hour."

"Okay. Let me make some breakfast. Can you go wake Gojyo?"

I headed over to the kappa and sneered down at him. I poked his back with a foot 'til he stirred. "Get up."

"I'm up." He did not roll over to look at me. He was not as angry as he had been a few weeks ago, but he still held a small grudge against me, and his attitude with me was always serious. It suited me perfectly. Hakkai was more the type to enjoy jokes, anyway.

Gojyo stood up and walked over to the healer, talking to Hakkai as the man made breakfast. They had become much closer these past few weeks, each trying to fill the other's emptiness. 

"Sanzo?" Hakkai's hesitant voice brought me out of my train of thought. "I don't think we have time for breakfast."

"What do you mean?" I glanced at him in irritation.

Gojyo raised an eyebrow. "Can't you feel it? Demons are coming this way."

I almost started in surprise, but managed to control myself. Now that he mentioned it, I _could_ sense a large number of demons coming our way. It irked me, though, that I hadn't noticed before. Was I really so weak? When had I become so careless?

"Come on, Sanzo." Hakkai placed a hand on my shoulder and I shied away from his touch. I did not want anyone to touch me, ever. Whether it was because my skin was too holy, or too dirty, I didn't know. 

I followed Hakkai in to a densely vegetated area of the forest. I scowled when I saw them crouch down.

"Why are we hiding like cowards?" I growled.

Gojyo responded without turning around, "Because without Goku, we're not strong enough to beat these many demons, Sanzo-_sama_."

It was the first aggressive note I had received from him in a long time. I smirked in amusement and pulled out my pistol, making sure it was fully loaded.

There - I picked up the sound of tires crunching on gravel. Tires? When was the last time we'd fought demons with cars?

Oh yes. The first time we met Homura. Truckloads of demons had come, only to be wiped out of existence. We hadn't seen that god in a while, and I wondered what he was up to. After all, it was Goku he was interested in. I tried to guess how he'd react if he knew I'd gotten to Goku first. A smug grin stretched across my face. Beaten by a mere mortal, eh Homura?

Four trucks came in to view. Gojyo uttered a low curse and Hakkai looked my way, asking what we should do.

"They're not after us," I said quietly. "We will wait 'til they pass, and then continue on our way."

"But they could be going to raid a village!"

"I never knew you were so quick to judge your kind." Gojyo looked away. It was so easy to hurt him, when you knew where to hit.

"I suggest we weaken their forces," Hakkai stated. 

"Fine," I conceded. "We will ambush the last two trucks. Perhaps the other two will find their way to Goku, so he can do his share of work as well."

Gojyo glared at me, and even Hakkai was irritated, but they said nothing and let my comment pass. Just as well; I didn't want to waste bullets or breath on either of them.

The first two trucks rolled by, and I rapidly fired a shot at the front tire of the third one. The driver stopped the truck, blocking the way for the one behind it.

"Skaa!" the driver called.

I suppressed a curse when the first two trucks stopped, and a yellow-eyed demon stepped out of one of them.

"What's wrong now, idiots?" he growled as he stalked over.

"One of our tires popped."

Skaa whipped out a sword. "You know how much I hate delay, don't you?"

"Yes, I do! I mean I'm sorry… Please-"

Before the driver's head had stopped rolling on the ground, Skaa was giving orders. "We're going to continue. You two trucks stay behind and fix this problem. You better catch up before nightfall, or you'll hear it from Prince Kougaiji."

The demon bared his teeth as he placed his sword back in its sheath. He sauntered over to his truck and got in. Gojyo grinned as the first two trucks drove off, as planned.

I sneered. Kougaiji's followers were always idiots. He'd have been better off without them. I wondered what the demon prince was up to, and when we'd see him next. He came by regularly like clockwork, and another of his visits would soon be due.

"Now," I told the others.

Gojyo and Hakkai surged forward, and I followed lazily behind. They threw themselves in to battle, and before the demons knew what hit them, one truckload had already been wiped out.

It was always during a fight that their demon sides came out. As much as Gojyo and Hakkai _claimed_ to be human, they had demon instincts. A good demon craved a fight like you craved food. That's why I always let them take care of most of our obstacles; they needed it to relieve their stress, to be free from self-imposed limitations, for a short while, at least.

Fighting thrilled demons, made adrenaline pump through their bodies. If they went for long enough without that rush, they would go crazy. That was why Hakkai let himself loose now and then by taking off his limiter. He enjoyed every single minute of it while fighting, and when he put on his limiter, he'd be filled with shame. Stupid, really.

Gojyo, on the other hand, tried to find alternative ways to gain the same rush. That was why he was so obsessed with women, with beer, with gambling….

I was lucky not to have that problem. During the whole fight, I had only to reload my gun once. I let Gojyo and Hakkai deal with the rest. 

To Be Continued... 


	8. Lust

**Warning**: Very mild m/m lime in this. If you remember chapter 7 of No Regrets, you'll know what this is about! (Yes, they correspond exactly - I think it could even be fun to read the two stories together, first Goku's POV, then Sanzo's).   
Thanks for the reviews! Squeee!! \^^/   
~~~~~

** Chapter 7 **   
~`~`~`~` 

I sat silently by the window, staring off in to the distance. The smoke from my cigarette curled up lazily towards the sky, and I thought of my master as I looked at it. But I was placing gray and blue together, and instead of enhancing the vivacity of both colors, I was making them both bleak.

I was suddenly aware of the birds chirping outside my window, and I growled under my breath, slamming the window closed. Could I not be left in peace?

Hakkai and Gojyo were sharing the room across from mine. I had wanted to be alone, but was glad they were nearby; even in my solitude I liked to feel I was still part of the group.

Sometimes I wondered, though, if _I_ was the group, and you three some god's expendable additions.

I smirked when I thought of Hakkai and Gojyo, and decided to smoke in the hallway outside their door. Their private conversation would not be so private, after all. Their worried faces had piqued my curiosity. Could they still have been thinking of you? No, of course not. They had no reason to.

"Gojyo…?" I heard Hakkai say hesitantly. "What's wrong?"

I did not hear a response - either the kappa had not bothered to answer, which was strange, or he had mumbled a reply, which would have been normal.

He mustn't have replied, however, because Hakkai kept prodding. "Is this… about Goku?"

I raised an eyebrow. Hakkai's instincts were never wrong. Was the kappa still-?

"No…" 

I amended my thoughts. Hakkai's instincts were _hardly_ ever wrong.

"Then what?"

"You're not going to leave me alone until I tell you, right?"

Hakkai laughed nervously. "I don't mean to sound nosy."

I stifled a chuckle. Who was he kidding? Hakkai was the nosiest man on Earth. He always had to know what was wrong, and even if his intentions were good, it didn't stop him from being nosy.

Gojyo sighed. "It's just that I had a fight with a girl-"

"Don't give me that," Hakkai interrupted. "We both know those girls mean nothing to you."

I cocked an eyebrow. What an interesting development. When had _that_ understanding risen between the two?

"I'm telling the truth!" Gojyo responded angrily. "When have I ever fucking lied to you, damn it?"

"Every single day."

I admired Hakkai's quiet response. It seemed to knock some sense in to Gojyo, who whispered, "True…". Then the kappa laughed and added, "It's just that… I always had a dream of one day having a family…"

Back to those dreams. He'd mentioned them a few weeks earlier, speaking to himself without realizing I was close by. Was he still troubled by fantasies?

"That dream can still come true."

It was funny, really. I had never pictured Hakkai as a romanticist.

"No it can't! I just found out I'm fucking sterile because I'm a hybrid!" I widened my eyes in a mixture of surprise and shock in the silence that followed. "My red hair and eyes have become a curse for me. Maybe I really do bring bad luck, but only to myself."

Gojyo's pity party disgusted me, but I could see why he might feel troubled. As I reflected on his behavior, I realized that I really didn't know Gojyo that well. Had someone asked me for his reaction, I would have guessed he'd have been happy; his being sterile would mean he could sleep with whomever he pleased and not have to worry about any consequences.

"Then change color," Hakkai finally said.

"What?" Gojyo's confused reply mirrored my own.

"I can buy some hair dye, and some of those colored contact lenses. How about pure black hair? Blue eyes? If your hair and eye color bother you, I will do anything to change them. But you must realize that they mean nothing in your life. You must stop thinking of them as a restriction, a limitation. Your dreams can still come true."

The mushiness of Hakkai's response sickened me, yet surprisingly it angered me as well. Could he be so naïve? Could he think that a mask would help? By changing his hair and eye color, Gojyo would be only more tormented, because he would know he was living a lie. I could relate to that feeling intimately.

To my surprise, Gojyo simply responded, "How?"

"You could adopt." 

"But I want a real family… something to call my own…."

"We are your family. Sanzo and I… even Goku, though now he's far away, we are your family."

I crushed my cigarette beneath my heel. I did not recall being asked to join the family, nor did I want to.

Gojyo laughed again. "You're right. Now all I need to find is someone who loves me, make them join the group, and then I'm set."

I almost laughed as well. How simple Gojyo was, how stupid not to see the very love he asked for standing before him. I waited for Hakkai's forthcoming declaration, but it did not come, and I returned to my room strangely unsettled. 

His silence made me think of the last time I had said those three words, and I did not relish the memory. I, who hadn't meant them, had said them to you, and Hakkai, who did mean them, had not said them to Gojyo. Was it something left unsaid? Is that how you had known I was pretending?

I lay down on my bed, grinning when I thought of Hakkai's and Gojyo's reactions if they knew I had a bed while they had tatami mats. They hadn't asked for a bed; they hadn't gotten one.

I cleared my mind of nonsense and willed myself to sleep. But while I could clear my mind when awake, I could not stop it while dreaming….

I was lying in a field, the scent of flowers around me. Something, someone was coming, and the very thought of them made me hard.

The wind caressed me, running through my hair and teasing my face as I lay there, waiting.

At first I could not see him, I could only feel his fingers tracing their way down my jaw, my neck, my stomach….

I was already panting heavily by the time his face came in to view. I knew I should have been surprised, or horrified, or something, but all I could do was moan as he scraped his fangs lightly across my neck.

"Kougaiji…."

He did not speak, simply moved up and kissed me softly.

"Kougaiji…."

"Enough! Let me out of here, now!"

I woke up and glanced around the room, sure I was not alone. Those last words had not been part of my dream. Or had they? I had not spoken them, Kougaiji had not spoken at all, and the voice had sounded strangely… like yours. What utter nonsense. Realizing I was still aroused, I sat up quickly, angry that my own mind and body had betrayed me.

For how long had I subconsciously craved after a demon? I shivered, unsure whether it was due to fear or disgust. But when I thought of Kougaiji again, all I could picture was how strong he was, another leader like myself, someone who could maybe understand.

How long had I claimed him as mine? Was that why I'd been angry with you, because you were always the one to fight against him? Or was it because I had wanted you, too?

I slipped out of bed and looked out the window, to the sliver of moon nearly lost in the sky above. Was that the only connection I had left with you? That we were under the same sky? Under the same moon, which now seemed so fragile and small, almost invisible?

"It doesn't matter," I muttered angrily to myself. "I never wanted Goku. As for Kougaiji - it is lust that dominates me."

I vowed to break free from that lust before it could be used against me. I would break free from all emotional ties, because I would sink if I didn't. 

To Be Continued... 


	9. Headache

**Note**:   
For some absurd reason, (and I've only noticed now), the em dash doesn't appear. So that you don't confuse hyphenated words with dashes, I put two in the place of one. As in, "well-being" (hyphen) and "and laughed--was I funny?"   
Thanks a lot for the reviews, they mean tons and give me the warm fuzzies. 

** Chapter 8 **

The next few weeks past quickly, and we did not encounter Kougaiji once. I was glad, and hated myself for being so grateful. Since when had I thanked fate? Since when had I begun believing in fate?

We left early that morning. Hakkai and Gojyo, who had been at each other the past few weeks, finally seemed to have calmed down. They spoke quietly to each other while eating breakfast, making jokes. That was one of the advantages of your absence--peace reigned at every meal.

We had been driving for a while when I glanced over at the other two. Gojyo was leaning over Hakkai's shoulder, his arms resting on the headrest. They seemed comfortable with each other, though I wasn't sure they had realized it yet. It was strange to see how blind they could be, but then again we hadn't known anything else for a long time. We probably had gotten used to each other. 

I, too, had not escaped the lull of habit. I had grown used to your incessant whining. I think I even missed it, for a short while. But it was better without you. I could not let myself depend on anyone or anything. I would not let myself be weakened by dependency, by habit. Having you around weakened me. I made you leave to strengthen myself.

Thinking back, I remember secretly hoping that you had been strengthened as well. That you had lost that damn naivety, that ability to trust a perfect stranger, and realized what a bitter world we lived in. I realize now that your greatest strength was your innocence, and that all I had wanted was for you to become a reflection of myself. I had wanted you to become an entirely different person. What a horror you would have turned out to be, had I succeeded.

Around midday, I felt the familiar spike of aura and resisted the temptation to roll my eyes. It was funny; Homura always seemed to come by when we had stopped for a break. 

I stood, raised my gun, and fired rapidly, while Gojyo and Hakkai jumped out of Jeep. A mocking grin spread across Homura's face like butter, his thoughts written on his face. Wasting bullets again, Konzen?

I hated being called Konzen. I could not understand why he did it; maybe he knew it bothered me. Sometimes it brought back memories--flashes of red across my vision as I fell forward, looking in to golden eyes and whispering, "Wait for me."

Or was it a prophecy? Was it fate? Destiny? Were those golden eyes yours, and had you killed me? But then, why was I asking you to wait for me?

I did not like mysteries. I did not like being called Konzen.

Homura opened his mouth, but Gojyo interrupted. "You have come for the sutra, blah, blah, blah. No need to repeat yourself every time you come."

Homura ignored the redhead and glanced at his two followers--Shien? Zeon? "Do you feel him?"

"Nowhere," Zeon replied. Shien simply shook his head.

"He's not here," I drawled, guessing they were talking about you. 

I felt a decisively vindictive pleasure at Homura's angry face. He masked it well, but not well enough. It was obvious to the trained eye that he had some sort of obsession over you. I wonder why. You would only weaken him, like you had weakened me. Unless….

Impossible. Homura was not the kind to fall in love. 

"Where is he?"

"I have no time to waste," I responded. "Move."

"Where is he?" Homura repeated insistently, voice lowering dangerously.

I felt the thrill of risk, and smirked. "On vacation."

Gojyo growled. "Just say it straight, stupid monk." He turned to face the gods. "Goku left us, for reasons unknown," at this he shot a glance at me, "and we have no clue where he is. Now can you kindly move?"

"No way," Zeon replied with an easy smile on his face. "We might as well get the sutra, now that no one's stopping us."

"No," Homura said quietly. He stared straight at me 'til I almost crushed beneath the weight of his gaze. He _knew_; I could feel it. I shuddered, wondering how I'd feel the day I stood before the gods and they judged me.

"You try to hide behind a cold mask," the god accused.

"It's none of your business," I snapped back, noting Hakkai's and Gojyo's raised eyebrows.

"But," he continued as if I hadn't spoken, "your pain is written clearly on your face."

I settled for a cold glare, not knowing what to respond. It was my death glare, my shut-up-or-die glare, and Homura did not flinch. Perhaps it only worked on half-breeds and weak, green-eyed demons. It certainly hadn't worked on you, either.

"He doesn't need you." 

I raised an eyebrow. "And I care, because…?"

"Everyone likes feeling needed," Homura replied. "Don't try to deny it. And you were so sure that he could not survive without you, so sure he'd come running back with his tail between his legs…".

"Now, I know he's a monkey, but a tail?" Gojyo said, grin on his face.

I tightened my grip on my Smith & Wesson. "Shut up. Both of you."

Homura smiled that soft smile of his that showed he understood, a smile of compassion. A smile that showed he knew _exactly_ how I felt, something even I did not know. A smile that emerged from his own well-being, and laughed at my need for risks and thrills to feel alive. His smile was an insult.

"If you don't want him…" Homura didn't finish the sentence, but I knew what he meant. The unsaid words rang in my head.

If you don't want him, _he's mine_.

They vanished a few seconds later, and we continued driving.

I tried to ignore Homura's hint. There was no reason to be worried about your fate. Homura would never set you up to fight against us, and you would never be up to it. Zeon's comment had struck a nerve, though. Were you really the only obstacle in Homura's plan to steal the sutra? Were you the only reason they had retreated so many countless times? What were Homura's plans for you? Was it the sutra he was really after?

I cleared my mind using a meditation technique, irritated. I had no use for more unanswerable questions. There was no more space in my head for everything going on within, and I could feel my skull cracking with the pressure. 

So much to worry about… so much to wonder about… And I called myself strong? I rubbed my temples angrily.

"Headache, Sanzo?" 

"Ch'." As if there was much to say in response to the obvious.

I saw Hakkai and Gojyo exchange glances. So they, too, had been unnerved by the gods. 

Perhaps I'd been wrong in pushing you away. It was safer to have the scorpion in view, than to not know when it would strike next.

_Scorpion_. I smirked in amusement. What a perfect nickname for you. 

To Be Continued... 


	10. Yours

Thanks for the comments, and here's another chappie, right on time! XD 

** Chapter 9 **

We had stopped for lunch whilst traveling through a forest. I was leaning against a tree smoking, watching Gojyo watch Hakkai. The kappa had a strange expression on his face, and I could readily label it: love struck. 

I was surprised he still hadn't made a move--it wasn't like Gojyo to wait for so long. 

I sensed a faint spike of power and tensed, ready for an attack.

"Hello blondie!" Kougaiji's annoying sister appeared before me, and I relaxed, slightly.

Gojyo whispered something that made Hakkai grin, and it didn't take a genius to figure out he had made a comment on my "girlfriend". He was so predictable.

"Hey!" Lirin shaded her eyes and made a point of looking around the clearing. "Where'd Goku go?"

I was surprised that that nitwit had noted your absence so quickly. Had she looked specifically for you? Was there more between the two of you then friendship? I snorted at the idea. Impossible.

"Lirin! Come here right now!" Kougaiji came out of the trees on the opposite side of the clearing.

My body instantly reacted to him, but I kept my face blank. The demon glanced my way, and I wondered whether he could smell my arousal. I doubted it, though, because you had never noticed how I felt when I had a mask on. Or maybe, you just hadn't recognized my emotions….

Kougaiji reprimanded his sister, but I could feel his eye still on me. I sensed his curiosity on your whereabouts, but he didn't ask. Glancing at me, he spoke, "We have come for the sutra." I could tell that they had even planned to meet us, and that he had simply invented an excuse.

Gojyo, however, did not see through him. "Big surprise," the kappa retorted sarcastically. "That's all you ever come for!"

Kougaiji did not even glance at him, keeping his eyes leveled on me. I wondered whether I'd get to fight with him this time. I wondered if he wanted to fight. I needed to, because I feared what I'd do if he didn't.

"Wondering where Goku is?" I finally said, meaning something else. It was as if we were having a secret conversation everyone could hear and no one could understand.

The demon turned to his companions. "Doku, Yaone, Lirin: stay here. You, monk, come with me."

"What?" his sister whined, but she quieted when Kougaiji glared at her.

Gojyo and Hakkai had risen to their feet, wanting to protest my being alone with someone so dangerous, but I took a leaf out of Kougaiji's book and glared at them, silencing them effectively. Then I followed the demon in to the forest, away from the others.

I caught up with Kougaiji when he stopped, and I glanced behind me. We were isolated, away from our annoying companions.

I hoped he would not come closer. All I could think of was the dream I'd had the night before, weakening my will. This strange attraction was worse than a lust potion, and it suddenly occurred to me that'd I'd have never felt this way if I hadn't pushed you away. Fear, a strange emotion for me, nagged at the back of my mind. I pushed it away. 

Kougaiji narrowed his eyes. "What did you do to Goku?"

I kept my composure and managed a smirk. "I used him."

Kougaiji seemed shocked for a moment, then he laughed. "Think you're so powerful, don't you?" He eyed me, and I realized with cold horror he knew exactly what my body was begging for.

"What would you do if I did this?" Kougaiji hissed, pushing me against a tree. He pressed his mouth roughly against mine, taking advantage of my startled gasp and thrusting his tongue in to my mouth. 

I remember vaguely wondering if that was how you had felt before my libido took over and I kissed Kougaiji back, running my hands down his back.

Kougaiji pulled away smirking. I refused to look at him in the eye, feeling helpless and exposed. He lifted my chin and gazed at my flushed face.

"You're mine." He walked off.

I sank down 'til I was sitting, body trembling. I could no longer escape the truth. As hard as I tried to deny it, you were not a dirty demon. I was the dirty one, and I was being punished. I, Sanzo, was reduced to a shivering mess by the hand--and mouth, my mind insidiously added--of a demon.

After a while, I stood up and straightened my robes. I walked back to Gojyo and Hakkai. Kougaiji was no longer in sight, and I repressed a sigh of relief.

"What happened?" Hakkai asked.

"We stay here the night," I responded. I walked off to the edge of the clearing, just out of their sight, but not too far away. I could not shake off the feeling of unease, the knowledge that Kougaiji could easily overpower me.

I glanced over at Hakkai and Gojyo. They had begun to eat lunch without me.

"Hey Hakkai, are you straight?"

I wondered if Gojyo's declarations were always so romantic, though it seemed to work on Hakkai, who was blushing and stammering.

"I thought not." Gojyo sat down next to Hakkai, always the cocky bastard. "Just how long have you been in love with me?"

I looked away. Everything had just gone wrong for me, and to watch them two, happily together, only made me feel worse.

It hurt to know I had brought this upon myself.

"You're mine," Kougaiji had said to me.

He was wrong. I was yours. 

To Be Continued... 


	11. Forget

Sorry, sorry, one day late. Oh well, not too bad. ;; 

** Chapter 10 **

I should have known it would've been impossible for me to bury the past behind me. I'd fooled myself in to thinking I'd buried my sin behind me, at that place, that small inn, but I hadn't. I'd simply buried it in my heart, my guilty conscience biding time 'til I was at my weakest.

It was funny, in an ironic sort of way. I'd pushed you away to make myself stronger, but had done the very opposite, and it was only when I was at my weakest that I realized what a fool I'd been. So much for strength and intelligence going hand in hand.

It made me wonder whether I'd been searching for the wrong kind of strength. I used to think strength was being independent, scoffing ties of affection because they created weakness. I was not wrong; emotions can weaken the mind and the heart, but I did not account for the fact that they strengthened the soul. And what was life, without a strong soul? What was life without a will to live? Without a reason to live?

It hurt, admitting my faults. It made me feel dirty. It gave me more to mourn over during rainy days. It gave me more to think about all the time.

"Sanzo?"

I glanced over at Hakkai.

"Is everything all right?"

"Ch'."

All right? It could never be all right. Life wasn't made of 'all rights'. There were some rights and some wrongs, and I had committed two big wrongs that outweighed all my rights.

My two sins. I suppressed a smirk when thinking of them. The first sin was of not having acted when I should have, not having moved faster, taken the blow, died instead. My second sin was of having acted when I shouldn't have, having succumbed to urges, weaknesses, stupidities. My life was a paradox. It all seemed to contradict itself, but in reality it was all true. Men do commit mistakes, and having learnt from one, fall in to the pit at the other end. Life was a constant walking between two extremes, a constant balancing on a thin, invisible line no one could see or feel or touch, but all knew it existed nonetheless.

I glanced around and was startled to realize we'd been driving in a forest for quite some time. Had I really been that absorbed in my own thoughts, so much so that I hadn't taken notice of my surroundings?

I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent of pine needles. A childhood smell, I liked to call it. A boy called Kouryu used to live at a temple atop of a mountain covered with these pine trees. But that boy no longer lived.

I stiffened abruptly, feeling a faint spike of power somewhere in the forest. Hakkai's smile did not slip an iota, but his hands tightened around the steering wheel.

"Homura," Gojyo growled.

He sounded so much like you I almost jumped out of my seat. Thoughts ran like scattered sheet across my mind, and I quelled a growing panic. We would manage to defeat the god without you. We would manage.

"Sanzo?" Hakkai cocked his head to one side.

"Drive on. Let's not go looking for trouble, but if it comes our way…" I trailed off threateningly, faking a confidence I did not feel.

We drove on in silence for several minutes, muscles tense, silence strained. My hand was firmly around my Smith & Wesson. Not that it would've been of much use, against a god.

Suddenly, Homura and his cohorts jumped down from a tree in front of us. Hakkai braked quickly, and I reflexively brought up the fun and shot Homura's face three times. He only smirked, the smug bastard.

I kept my gun pointed straight at him, but I could not ignore the feathery tickle in the back of my mind. It was familiar, but I could not determine what exactly it was. It was then I realized. For some strange reason, I could feel your presence. It was very faint, overpowered by the gods' reeking aura, but somehow your scent clung to them. 

Was that why Homura had been smirking? Because he had won you over to his side, and had now come to gloat at my loss? Would you really have changed sides in only a month? Actually, I amended, a month was a long, long time.

"Get out of our way!" I snarled, standing up and leveling the gun once more. I could taste the yellow bile of jealousy on my tongue. Did you love him? Was he your keeper now? Did I mean nothing to you? I knew I deserved no less, but somehow I'd never imagined being replaced in your affections. As much as I was yours, you were mine, and no dirty god was about to take you away.

"We have a surprise for you," Homura finally said, a smirk still glinting in his eyes. And then you walked out of the shadows you'd been hiding in, and joined his side, staring at me solemnly.

"Goku?" Gojyo exclaimed, always the idiot who interrupted when unwanted. "You goddamn stupid monkey! Leaving us like that, without a word! We were worried sick! Did you get lost or something? I'm really going to beat you up for this." Gojyo paused and calmed down, silly grin on his face. "So, why did you go?"

You kept staring at me as if you hadn't heard a word of Gojyo's rant. Your eyes unfocused for a brief second, and then you glanced at the redhead with a soft smile. "Sorry, I wasn't listening."

Gojyo was speechless. I was shocked. What had happened to your famous 'I'm hungry'? Your voice was no longer boyish, it was quiet and hesitant, as if you actually thought of what you were saying. As if you were afraid to let a word slip and expose yourself. Or maybe I was reflecting my own feelings on you.

Hakkai glanced at me, but I did not speak up. He cleared his throat. "Goku, why did you leave like that?"

The question hit you, and you suddenly seemed more alive as you narrowed your eyes bitterly. "Didn't Sanzo tell you?"

I lowered my gaze. How could I have? You had hidden all the signs, you had protected me from them, from my own actions. 

"Sanzo?" Hakkai prodded. 

I did not respond, looking straight at you. You were trying hard to look at me square in the eyes, but you couldn't; I could see you were looking at my nose. Somehow I was filled with anger. It was me who shouldn't have been able to look you in the face, not the other way around.

"Sanzo, I--"

"Shut up, stupid monkey," I interrupted quickly, and then you looked up with a smile on your face. My heart panged at the sight. That was the Goku I knew.

You nodded to Hakkai and Gojyo. "Do not worry about me. You two stay together for eternity."

"What? How did you know that?" Gojyo scratched his head, but then laughed.

"And Sanzo." You looked in to me, and I felt you could see all my secrets. "About Kougaiji…"

I flinched at that cursed name, expecting an instant body reaction, but nothing happened. How had you known about it? And had your presence freed me from the grasp of lust?

"I'm sorry."

I glanced at you in shock, realizing you understood. You knew that the reason I lusted after him was because I felt guilty for having taken you. And though it was my fault, you'd apologized. You understood.

It wasn't me that raped you. That was another man that had lived inside of me, tormenting me. And you'd just destroyed that man with your acceptance.

A small smile crossed my face and I glanced at you regretfully, sorrowfully, mournfully. It was all I could do; nothing I could say would make it better, but somehow I knew you'd understand this too. Because you were simply my soul mate. Because we were made for each other.

You turned away, and disappeared with Homura.

I wiped the smile off my face, because I knew how you felt. As much as we'd forgiven each other, we hadn't forgiven ourselves. As much as we'd forgiven each other, it still wasn't enough to forget. 

To Be Continued... 


	12. Quiescence

I've been having a few problems these months, and it got bad these past weeks. Sorry for the lack of updates. Bad cliff hanger at the end of this. Hope you enjoy. Next chapter is a type of epilogue. 

** Chapter 11 **

A week passed, silently, swiftly. It was painful. I kept wondering what would've happened had I actually said sorry. Would you have joined us again, or was I just hoping for something that never could've happened?

Did you think I was cold? Unforgiving? Or had you understood that I just didn't know how to express myself, and wouldn't even if I could? I was ashamed of my actions, and it hurt to feel shame; I was a very proud man. That's why I tried to create a distance between us, tried to remain aloof. But in the end I was just another person who'd made a mistake.

You'd always lived by a rule of never regretting what you'd done, something that was impossible for me. I kept thinking that if I could've gone back, I would've changed it all, taken back all the wrong I'd done… but I couldn't.

Sometimes I thought back on our meeting. You'd seemed troubled, as if something was eating at your conscience. I hoped you didn't blame yourself for what I'd done. 

I'd been fasting. I knew how foolish it was of me, but somehow I felt that by fasting I'd somehow help the situation. I could tell Gojyo was annoyed; he never was one to deal with nonsense. Hakkai was worried, as I'd never gone so long without food or beer or cigarettes. Yes, I actually threw away my cigarettes. Not my lighter, however. It had other uses.

I hardly sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, your face would appear in my mind. Not that I didn't think of you while awake. Somehow, it just all seemed so much more vivid while asleep, the emotions stronger, your face sadder, the pain sharper. While awake, all of these were hidden behind my numb, almost comatose state.

I was pretending to sleep when Homura appeared. Hakkai braked, and I opened my eyes. His hair glinted in the hot afternoon sun, and his face was sad, and so resigned, as if he'd lost all he cared about and there was nothing left for him anymore.

"Sanzo," he said softly, beckoning.

I got out of the car and approached him. Gojyo cursed and jumped out as well, closely followed by Hakkai. I could see out of the corner of my eye that they were both ready to fight. I was touched they cared.

"Goku sent me," the god said softly, but we were all standing so still his words seemed to echo as they broke the silence.

"What…" I licked my lips. "What does he want?" My head was spinning slightly.

"He told me to say goodbye to all of you."

"What do you mean?" Gojyo said, coming a step closer. "Where's he going?"

Homura did not respond, but I knew already, and I reeled back, staggering. I slumped down, defeated, as Gojyo and Hakkai exchanged shocked glances as they finally understood what Homura meant.

"He also said…" Homura cleared his throat. "He said not to miss him. You four are tied together by fate and will meet again."

"How can you know?" I whispered.

Homura looked down at the ground. "Because that's just the way things are."

It was then I realized that you had loved me 'til the end. And as happy as it made me, it saddened me, because I knew how you felt. How is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time? How is it possible to miss someone that makes you cry? I guess it just goes to show that nothing can exist without its opposite.

"Hakkai, get me something to drink," I ordered, closing my eyes. When he came back I sipped the water, and tasted the faint tingle of lemon juice in the cool liquid. As much as I longed for a beer, I probably wasn't up to it.

Finally, I looked back at Homura. "Could you…?" I couldn't finish my question, just gazed at him.

He reached out for my hand, and I took his, and we disappeared. When the world slid into focus once more, we were back where we'd met, little over a week ago. Was it only a week?

I looked around. "Where?"

"This way."

We walked, and suddenly we came out of the forest, on to a cliff. The sea sparkled blue, such inviting depths, and Homura gestured at the edge.

"There."

I walked over and looked down the dizzying height. I wondered if you'd landed on the rocks, or if you'd been swallowed by the sea. Had you changed your mind and swam back to shore?

I turned to face Homura. "He's down there?"

"That's the way he'd want it."

How right he was. No shrine or grave for you. You'd go back to the Earth, back to what you'd been born from. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Did the Christians know how right they were?

"Sanzo…he had no regrets."

I glanced over at the god. "But I do."

I turned back and looked to the horizon. Homura did the same, and we stood there quietly, each absorbed in our own thoughts. I kept wondering what it had felt like. The wind would've whistled loudly, the waves would've reached up… Could I still find you down there?

No. You were gone. I'd never know what you'd felt. I'd never follow your path.

I turned to leave, but the rock crumbled beneath me and I tumbled backwards. 


	13. Together

** Chapter 12 **

I once said to you "it has taken me all this time to realize that I love you." How wrong I was. It took me much longer. 

Things fell into place, slowly, after Homura saved my life and stopped me from falling off the cliff. I remember as I was falling, I closed my eyes and wondered if this was the fate you'd spoken of to Homura. I remember wondering whether you were right, and I'd be at peace. I remember giving up, feeling my whole life remain on the top of the cliff as I tumbled backwards.

Then a hand grabbed my ankle. I slammed hard into the cliff wall, and I hung upside-down for several long moments, dazed.

Homura pulled me up, and all he said was, "Goku wouldn't have wanted that."

He took me back to Hakkai and Gojyo, and then left. We haven't seen him since.

I guess now I'm all right. At least, that's what I tell the others. I cannot help but lie to them, and try to be strong for them, and for you. I can't be strong for myself any longer.

Sinking down beneath the waves of lies I myself created, like piles of sand thrown in to my grave while I'm lying inside. This is how it feels when you're a repentant sinner. This constant feeling of guilt lurks at every corner and haunts your footsteps, reminding you every single second that it'll be there 'til the end of time, 'til there's nothing else left.

Because, in all truth, the only thing that survives over time is guilt. Anger can fade, passion can be dimmed, even love as strong as what I feel can die, and all are just a shell of the former glory they used to be. But guilt endures. Nothing can stop guilt but forgiveness, and it is not always readily given. 

It is worse when you are the one that has to forgive yourself. 

It does not always matter whether the one you wronged has forgiven you, if you cannot forgive yourself. I've accepted what I've done, I realize the past is done with, but that does not mean I forgive myself. I'm really just not the type. 

I could not forgive myself for letting my master die instead of me; how could I think this would be any different?

Hakkai and Gojyo tried to help me 'get over it'. They couldn't see that it was useless to try, because I wasn't broken, I was just…full of despair, and lonely. And nothing could fix that, since you were gone. 

I always felt, and still feel, that it was I who should have taken your place and launched myself across the boundary between life and death. Perhaps that's because we view death differently. You saw it as liberation; I see it as the end.

That is why you are free to go, and I must remain. Because I don't want the end just yet. As much as I can't forgive myself, I cannot end the existence I know. Perhaps I fear what will greet me on the other side. Perhaps I'm too damn stubborn.

For a while after Homura came with his news, I felt listless, and I drifted. It was so difficult to accept that you were completely gone, more so than you'd been before. Hakkai and Gojyo were supportive, and I appreciated it, though I never told them. It's difficult to grasp the fact that I'll have to live without you.

I still cling to the hope that maybe Homura was right. Maybe our fates are tied together. Maybe we cannot avoid each other. Maybe this was just one of many tries, one try that went horribly wrong. I'm beginning to sound like Gojyo, with his foolish dreams for the future. 

All I know is that one day, I'll join you again, and I'll do it right.

One day… 

The End. 


End file.
